An Audience... of One?

Several members of my family have a startling ability to mimic voices.

After the last couple of blog posts, I’ve been (mentally) hearing those talented ones imitating the rescuers in Titanic: “Is there anybody ouuut there…???”

(I guess you had to be there.  Had to have been there. Whatever. It was funny at the time.)

Ahem.

So, anyway, since I’ve already spilled so many embarrassing beans out onto the Internet plate, I guess I might as well come clean and admit that my feelings get hurt every now and then.

For now I’ve eaten the fruit and opened the box:

I’ve been looking at other blogs.

(And I am so glad I didn’t do it earlier.)

I am grateful that I didn’t have a clue what a “blog” was when I started writing. But I do now. And I want to go running home and cry, “Mommy, my blog’s not like the other girls’ blogs.”

Boo hoo.  Wanh wanh. (Really, how in the world do you alliterate that?)

The other girls’ blogs are pink and green and pretty. And monogrammed. Or they’re cool and minimalist and existential. There’s gut-wrenching reality. Navel-gazing raised to a new level. Or they’re shabby. Chic. Or they are purveyors of rarefied products. Or of “free giveaways!” They are repositories of coolness of every kind.

They have every bell and whistle and widget and gidget and gadget one can imagine. They connect to at least 10 different  “social networking” establishments. If desired, you can twitter and twatter and skitter and skatter the day away. (“In the bathroom now… let you know how it all comes out…”)

And they have thousands of “followers,” although I’m not completely sure what that means. (I realize that it is no longer cute that I have so little grasp of these things, but I really don’t know. Does that mean you get a notice when I post something new? I am very, very grateful to you for the show of support, in any case.)

Following a rabbit trail through a labyrinth of ‘known’ connections, I’ll find myself in someone’s post where the F-word is used multiple times…and it engenders at least 89 comments of affirmation, understanding, and approval.

That is why I’ve gotten my feelings hurt a little lately when I’ve gotten just two or three comments. Nobody else is on the same page??? Nobody else gets it? No one else can legitimately say, “Right on, sista? I know how you feel, where you are?”

I start thinking: Maybe I’m too worldly for the religious people; too religious for the worldly ones. Maybe I should just shut up.

(Plus, I’m a big, fat hypocrite because I rarely comment on other people’s blogs. There are days when I can’t even make it near my laptop to check my email. I suppose I feel that, in the name of fairness, I shouldn’t start commenting on one unless I’m ready and willing to commit to taking the time to comment on everybody’s.)

In a way, I wish I’d never started looking at the other girls’ blogs.

But I needed to, in order to learn and grow. It was research for the ultimate product…which is still yet to come.

Growth pains hurt.

As I type these petty words, a recent email I received from a friend comes to mind…

and I feel ashamed.

Something I quoted a few weeks ago was used in her life in a powerful way. (Not even my words…a quote.)

Sooo…

as much as I long for this to develop into a conversation, instead of a monologue; as much as I’d like to hear more of other people’s thoughts, ideas, and life experiences…   

that email alone provides more than enough incentive to plow on.

And I realize that it is a privilege to continue this sharing, if only for an audience of 2 or 3.

What am I saying???

It is a privilege to do it for an audience of one.

I need to keep telling of His goodness to a mess like me…

whether anyone else is listening or not.

...He’s listening.