Thursday, March 4, 2010

An Audience... of One?





Several members of my family have a startling ability to mimic voices.

After the last couple of blog posts, I’ve been (mentally) hearing those talented ones imitating the rescuers in Titanic: “Is there anybody ouuut there…???”

(I guess you had to be there.  Had to have been there. Whatever. It was funny at the time.)

Ahem.

So, anyway, since I’ve already spilled so many embarrassing beans out onto the Internet plate, I guess I might as well come clean and admit that my feelings get hurt every now and then.

For now I’ve eaten the fruit and opened the box:

I’ve been looking at other blogs.

(And I am so glad I didn’t do it earlier.)

I am grateful that I didn’t have a clue what a “blog” was when I started writing. But I do now. And I want to go running home and cry, “Mommy, my blog’s not like the other girls’ blogs.”

Boo hoo.  Wanh wanh. (Really, how in the world do you alliterate that?)

The other girls’ blogs are pink and green and pretty. And monogrammed. Or they’re cool and minimalist and existential. There’s gut-wrenching reality. Navel-gazing raised to a new level. Or they’re shabby. Chic. Or they are purveyors of rarefied products. Or of “free giveaways!” They are repositories of coolness of every kind.

They have every bell and whistle and widget and gidget and gadget one can imagine. They connect to at least 10 different  “social networking” establishments. If desired, you can twitter and twatter and skitter and skatter the day away. (“In the bathroom now… let you know how it all comes out…”)

And they have thousands of “followers,” although I’m not completely sure what that means. (I realize that it is no longer cute that I have so little grasp of these things, but I really don’t know. Does that mean you get a notice when I post something new? I am very, very grateful to you for the show of support, in any case.)

Following a rabbit trail through a labyrinth of ‘known’ connections, I’ll find myself in someone’s post where the F-word is used multiple times…and it engenders at least 89 comments of affirmation, understanding, and approval.

That is why I’ve gotten my feelings hurt a little lately when I’ve gotten just two or three comments. Nobody else is on the same page??? Nobody else gets it? No one else can legitimately say, “Right on, sista? I know how you feel, where you are?”

I start thinking: Maybe I’m too worldly for the religious people; too religious for the worldly ones. Maybe I should just shut up.

(Plus, I’m a big, fat hypocrite because I rarely comment on other people’s blogs. There are days when I can’t even make it near my laptop to check my email. I suppose I feel that, in the name of fairness, I shouldn’t start commenting on one unless I’m ready and willing to commit to taking the time to comment on everybody’s.)


In a way, I wish I’d never started looking at the other girls’ blogs.

But I needed to, in order to learn and grow. It was research for the ultimate product…which is still yet to come.

Growth pains hurt.


As I type these petty words, a recent email I received from a friend comes to mind…

and I feel ashamed.

Something I quoted a few weeks ago was used in her life in a powerful way. (Not even my words…a quote.)

Sooo…

as much as I long for this to develop into a conversation, instead of a monologue; as much as I’d like to hear more of other people’s thoughts, ideas, and life experiences…   

that email alone provides more than enough incentive to plow on.

And I realize that it is a privilege to continue this sharing, if only for an audience of 2 or 3.


What am I saying???


It is a privilege to do it for an audience of one.


I need to keep telling of His goodness to a mess like me…

whether anyone else is listening or not.



...He’s listening.




34 comments:

  1. I am listening too, Kim.
    You are welcome to visit my blog anytime. I never use the f-bomb.
    As far as learning what you need, the little help button in the right hand corner has everything (almost!) that you may need. If you want it that is! But, your blog is fine the way it is.
    Just remember, not everyone who visits you, leaves a comment.

    Go here http://feedjit.com/join/

    It is VERY easy to do. Then you will know who is visiting you :)

    xo, misha

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  2. Ah. Blog envy.

    When you look at someone else's blog and don't comment, you are a "lurker". If that person tracks their traffic, they know you were there, even if they don't necessarily know who you are.

    When I click the "follow" widget at the top of your page, I can choose to be listed as someone who follows your blog or remain incognito, but each new post then comes up in my Google reader.

    I am very backwards in blogworld in that I did not start blogging because I had anything special to say to other people, I just had a few who were interested in a personal project of mine. The same reason you initially started Katherine's Mom's blog. Mine did not, nor will it ever, achieve the number of followers yours has because I just don't have anything all that dramatic to tell people.

    Folks who blog for reasons other than some sort of personal journal do a few things differently than I do. They post much more consistently. I have some months with two posts, some with seven, but I will never post five days a week. They make a concerted effort to respond to each comment and check out each commenter's blog, should they have one. It's half-way from a hobby to a job.

    And I must say, your blog is prettier than mine. And much more likely to have photos.

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  3. Right on, sista:) I love your blog. Your posts inspire me and always make me think. I don't usually comment because you don't know me and it just feels like I am an outsider butting into your world. The fact that your blog does not have all the 'bells and whistles' makes it more real -- makes you more real. I like that.

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  4. I love your blog even though I never comment (well I commented once on your old blog a LONG time ago) because I still think it's kind of weird to comment when you don't know the person. :) But I often forward your blog link onto my friends when I know they will love or "get" what you have written (which is often).

    I have a small blog that is mostly read by family and friends and a few randoms who hop on over. I wrote a post a few weeks ago about blog envy. It's easy to look at someone else's blog and think "they have it all," whatever that means. And you have a great following! I don't show my "followers" on my page because it's an embarrassingly low number. :)

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  5. Hi Kim! I have read every single one of your blog entries and been thoroughly touched by all of them. Your writing keeps me thinking about it days after I've read it--like a good sermon. I became friends with Katherine while they were at PFB and we had the "Katherine's Thriving" party here at my home. I told Katherine I'm profoundly blessed and touched by both her writings and yours. Keep it up--you have an audience of 2 for sure!!

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  6. Don't stop what you are doing, Kim. Your blog may be different, but you are different and you make me laugh, and think, and cry. I wish MY blog was more like YOURS.
    Grace and Peace to you!

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  7. Hello!
    I read your blog. But I am a lurker...:/. I don't always feel like I have anything worthwhile to add...I guess I'm making it more about myself than I should!LOoooove your writing and your blog, and I check in about once or twice a week. Sorry that you had to feel unappreciated- I appreciate you taking time to write all this. It does mean a lot... :)

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  8. Hey sweet Kim. I check every single day to see if you have had time to post. I know you have Katherine's and James' daily lives right there at your elbow every day. But I still hope you've written something because I learn so much from you---and then try my best to go "love" it around.
    It's because of you that have begun telling my stories about Taylor. Confession: I told my sisters the other night that I didn't know if I could read your blog anymore because mine was just so not adequate enough---like yours.
    I had to really stop and "rest" in who I am and what I want to share.
    We hear you from whereever we each sit and read. We ponder and pray and hope and hold you guys in our hearts. I have almost asked you if I could come babysit so you could blog more. For real. You are real. Your life is real.
    We are all out here---reading, talking about you guys and loving you. Write on!!! Please!!!
    Marianne

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  9. Kim--forget about those other blogs. Yours is my favorite, and I had never even read a blog until Katherine's AVM. You have made me laugh and cry; you have inspired me and lifted me up; you have helped me to appreciate things in my life that I never would have notice before. My goal with each day is to be in the moment, and you help me with that. We only met one time, at an Athens Academy dinner (we spoke Russian...you much more fluently than I) but through your blog I feel as though you are my friend. So don't worry about those other blogs with their bad words and ugly thoughts and free stuff. They could learn a lot from YOU! Love, Kelley Cuneo

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  10. Whoops, I commented in the wrong place, check the post below for my comment on this one:)
    Kerry

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  11. Don't stop now. We are listening just not always commenting. I love keeping up with the happenings and Katherines progress and love reading about Athens & Montgomery since I live near Birmingham. I started our blog to share pictures of our little darlings with friends far and wide. You are a blessing to all of us reading your words.

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  12. You don't know me but I've been lurking around for a while now and I check your blog almost every day hoping for a new post. Your blog touches my heart and has helped me in ways I can't explain.

    My husband has a lot of health issues. In no way do our struggles compare with what Katherine has gone through. But I can feel with how hard it is to watch those we love suffer and feel helpless to do anything about it.

    A blog doesn't have to be fancy and have widgets and gadgets to be important. It's what you write that matters. Please keep on sharing with us.

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  13. I read your blog because I went to camp with Katherine years ago and recently heard about her story, which has touched me beyond measure. So, I guess I qualify as a lurker.

    You won't be surprised to hear that I thought Katherine was the kindest, most beautiful and fun girl at camp who inspired me when I was an awkward middle schooler. In any case, your posts on faith and your family's continued hope has been an inspiration and blessing to me.

    Y'all remain in my prayers, and I continue to look forward to reading your blog and look to it as I try and try to surrender to God's will.

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  14. I never comment. I've emailed you personally once, but other than that, I pretty much keep to myself in the 'blog-o-sphere'. I dare comment on such beautiful posts and ruin them. =)

    Also, your blog is one of only two that I read anymore. Previously I was very interested in reading blogs, commenting, discussing, and sometimes even debating. After having a child (who is a ONE year old TODAY!), my blogging desires waned immensely. But, your blog still stands out as one I read about 2-3 times a week. Suffice to say that having me as a reader, or 'follower', is by no means a jewel to be prized, but is important to help you realize that your blog is appealing to (what I believe are) normal people. I take time out of my day to read YOUR blog! A day that has almost every minute accounted for is tossed about to squeeze in your blog. It has nothing to do with colors or comments. Actually, I never read the comments because I come to hear you; not discounting good comments, I just don't have 'time' for them. I like the monologue version 'we' (or you...I guess you can't say we and monologue in the same context) have going on here - but its a monologue because I make it that way!

    Please, continue and relish in not knowing all about blogging. It's of no importance. Publish your thoughts/feelings and enjoy - as we enjoy. =)

    ~Brian Beech

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  15. Kim, No need to look at other blogs. Yours is one of the purest, most heartfelt. I have learned so much from you and ABOUT you I never knew all those years I've "known" you though we've not been close in eons of time. I keep you and Katherine and the rest of your family close in my thoughts and have for over a year now.

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  16. Hi Kim,

    I have never posted a comment on your blog because I am so embarrassed to say that I don't even know you yet I read your blog all the time! I came across Katherine's story on facebook, because a friend of mine joined the group Pray Katherine Wolf. I clicked on it and came across her blog and then your blog. I have followed both since last August. I am so inspired by Katherine and by you. You are such a wonderful writer, I wouldn't worry so much about other blogs. What you have to offer is something greater, something that a pretty blog page, gadgets, etc. can't. You have an inspiring voice that comes through in every post. I look forward to everything you write! It's awesome that you are able to speak so openly and honestly about your relationship with Christ.

    On a side note, my family gets together every Thursday night to pray and your family has been in our intentions and will continue to be!

    I have two blogs- quitecontrarycarrie.blogspot.com
    acoupleofyardbirds.blogspot.com

    They are by no means inspiring like yours! (see my blog envy, I wish I were inspiring!) Mine are only humorous. :)

    Please continue to post whether you have a stylish blog or not. Who cares? So many people look forward to reading it.

    - Carrie

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  17. I check your blog every day. You are a beautiful writer and something you write always touches me. Thank you so much for opening yourself up to all of us. You have no idea how much of an impact you are having.

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  18. I love your blog & read it ALL the time....I have posted a comment before, but you probably don't remember me. I am Jay's cousin (Mary Ruth & my Mom are first cousins!), and I have had the privledge of meeting Katherine twice. The first time was briefly around Christmas 2007 when they were visiting MS, and the 2nd time was in Dallas for Timothy's wedding. I think she is AMAZING & when I last saw her, I went on & on about how I am such a fan of your blog. You don't need all of the bells & whistles- you TOTALLY compensate with your beautiful words. You are more than welcome to check our blog out, too.... thehoskinsonfamilytx.blogspot.com
    All of you & your family are in my prayers daily!

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  19. I am embarrased to admit that I have only commented a couple of times even though I have been following your blog and Katherine's from the beginning. I have forwarded many of your postings to family members and friends who have been encouraged and uplifted by your words. I tell them, "look at this blog from a friend of mine". You and I have never met in person and I feel we are friends! Now that you mention it, I have never given any thought about your style of blog, I am too busy reading what you have to say. Sometimes, less is more....just a little lip gloss and sunglasses is all we need to face the world!

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  20. Ditto'ing everyone else. Yours is my favorite blog because of the content. I've seen the "pretty" blogs, but I don't find many of them as captivating or interesting as yours. Please don't stop writing! I don't usually comment because I don't know you personally (and don't want you/others to think I'm weird!). But, if I had a blog, I'd want everyone who read it to comment on everything :)

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  21. Although you have 88 offical followers, I am sure that number is even larger. I was a "follower" long before I ever registered as one and became offical.
    I guess that I could be considered a thief. Week after week I take from you and don't give back. As a reader, it is good to be reminded that it is helpful for you to know A: that we are reading; and B: how we feel about it. You are providing a tremendous service to so many people! You are a Blessing

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  22. Hi Kim - You don't know me, and I've never met any of your famliy. I came across Katherine's story a week or two after her AVM rupture through a friend-of-a-friend's facebook page. I have followed your journey and hers ever since, and I am continually blessed by your insight and openness. I guess I'm a lurker on most blogs because I rarely post comments. I have my own blog, but it is mainly to share pictures and adventures of my 10-month-old son with family and friend. I'm always surprised to get even one comment, although I secretly wish for more. Regardless, you should know that you have a gift, and you are blessing others with it. I know the Lord is saying, "Well done, my good and faithful servant!"

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  23. I love your blog. It doesn't need doo-dads. It's perfect just the way it is. Your words are the embellishment.

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  24. You have a unique gift of writing. Your posts never fail to bring something important to the table. You have elicited comments to let you know that we are listening. We are. We just don't let you know it every day. Keep speaking. We are here.

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  25. Don't change a thing. I have loved it from the very first post.

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  26. I think I fall in the same category as Carrie---I really don't know you, yet I was pulled into your story the day I saw the facebook group asking for Prayers for Katherine Wolf, and my husbad and I have done that everyday, eversince. I feel reluctant to comment for some reason, but for the sake of your blogging confidence, I should admit that I hang on your every word.

    It seems so strange that in the same string of names of close family friends I pray for a complete stranger (for almost 2 years now!), . But there is something so special about her story, her struggle, and most importantly, her family, that at the ame time, it doesn't seem strange at all.

    I also have a blog--much more superficial (it's a food blog)---and I have those same doubts, and funny enough, a lot of bloggers do. I read an article about blog envy the other day that made me feel better, and maybe it will make you feel better http://www.blogher.com/hey-jealousy-blogigng-kind-course

    Please keep it up!

    Sincerely,
    One of Many

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  27. Kim,
    Your blog is so special to me. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing Katherines story. You have touched me and I look forward to each of your posts. Not the glitz, not the glamour, but the heart of your blog.
    ~Cheryl

    http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/12/14/frontotemporal.dementia/index.html?iref=allsearch

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  28. I don't know your family. I started following and praying for Katherine after her surgery and the word got out here in Montgomery. I love your writings and now I guess blog. I grew up being a Christian but struggle daily. Nothing earth shattering, just life and keeping things in perspective and in priority.

    Even though you are James' grandmother, I somehow feel connected. I had a surprise 3rd at 39. He is 4 months younger than James. Your stories of him and you trying to keep up sound like my life. At 41, I feel old and much much older than most of the moms of my son's age. You forget the struggles, the being tired, the temper tantrums (and yes, we are throwing things also in anger!).

    As I read your postings, I laugh, I cry, I nod in agreement and find comfort in your writings and scripture you post. Even though I have followed you and Katherine's caring bridge site, I have never left a comment. My thoughts and prayers to myself. But, I do so much enjoy the postings. Your brutal honesty, your questioning and your faith are inspiring. I do hope you continue. I am sure there are more folks like me..."silent" followers!

    But do know, your family are always in my prayers!

    Love in Christ,
    Leslie Wakefield

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  29. All I can say, Kim is that sometimes I think you're reading my mind (it's pretty funny, actually).... F.Y.I: I always check up on your blog (but somehow, I never seem to update mine).... I'll get around to it.... Sometimes I just think "Well, He's listening & that's good enough for me." :)

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  30. Anyone can purchase a ready made blog page, as I did myself. But not everyone has the writing talent that you do. I enjoy reading your post. You are an awesome Mother and Mimi.
    Julie- Houston area

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  31. I felt the same way about my blog--like noone cared because they didn't read it or leave a message. But then I realized, it's really theraputic for me to write it, and that is the only reason I do it, and it doesn't matter who reads it or who doesn't read it. I can go back and read my posts and see how much (or little) I have grown. I don't know you personally, but I enjoy your blog! Keep it up!

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  32. I am reading your blog 7 years later and I love your honesty and realness! I wish you still blogged!

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Hi!

Thank you so much for taking the time to write.

It helps to know we're not alone.